First of all Mike and I decide to get out and about and go to the nearest National Park to us, this appeared on Mikes map as about 1/2 and inch. 1/2 and inch how bad can that be I cried....4 hours later we arrive. The Park is called Algonquin Provincial Park. The reason I spell this out for everyone is that, this my friends is the first lesson which we will call "know your Sat Nav!" Armed 2 Apples, 1 Bag of crisps, 2 cokes, Sat Nav and a random look at a map (none of which I can even pretend to understand) we set off.
Mike starts yelling is it in the Sat Nav? What I say, you expect me with my spelling skills to put in something like that!? Yes our learned explorer yells - I should point out at this stage we have gone 1/4 of a mile so far to the petrol station. I can do this I thought and start spelling out Algonkwin into the SatNav... "Cant find it I cry" as Mike is hurtling towards the 401 in the vain thinly disguised panic that he is in the right direction. I a recent descendant from Thomas Cook have no friggin idea so am of little help. Mike is outraged at my not being able to find the park and the following conversation takes place
M:Its bigger than Wales how can it not be in the Sat Nav
Me: Dunno
M:Gimme that thing, let me look at it (why do all men think they have x-ray vision that solves problems?)
M: You spelled it HOW!!!
Me: The correct way
M: Oh Jesus please help me in my hour of need! He hands back the wicked device and starts to spell (some would say yelling) out the name as if I have leaning difficulties. I type in as instructed
Me: Cant find it, its brought up a list of restaurants with the same name though. I give him this little bit of extra information so that it can confirm to him that he does have superior spelling skills to me! Here is even the website www.algonquinpark.on.ca
M: How can that be? and we proceed to drive the remainder of the trip heading towards another area that's quite close but can at least be located by the Sat Nav
(on another completely different strain have you noticed how everything is now Italic, I keep clicking on the symbol but nothing happens, it all went wrong when I started to show off that I can put websites on!! Oh well sorry folks.)
Anyway, Jesus was indeed peering in on us that day and 2 gas station instructions later we arrive and as Mike predicted its so big its like another country! We drive through Cadbury Christmas Chocolate Box scenery honestly its truly breathtaking. We stop at the excellent travel centre and was helped by a lovely girl who gave up a map (finally) that highlighted the hiking walks. Bearing in mind we have already had a tense 4 hour journey here, which surely means a 4 hours journey home, even we realise we only have time for one of the shorter hikes. Such are our navigational skills even that could take days! "I'm hungry" a familiar cry from Mike is made in the car. We have eaten all the sweets brought en route and more worryingly drunk all the drink. We learn from the travel information centre that there is NO restaurants open not even the bars because its not the start of the season!!!! Luckily and this is my redeeming point of the day I noticed that there was an establishment that did have an open sign, granted it could have been left on from last season but what choice did we have?. We walk into a 1970's pine clad lodge and Mike did the usual of moulding into the background until I had found someone to talk to. My talk to person that day was the chef who had come in to design the new menu and he agreed to cook us lunch. Now beggars cant be choosers here you understand so we went for Burger for Mike and a Quesedila for me which is a tortilla sandwich. Water was then brought by a lady who had been found, I think, from the Blair Witch Project and she proceeded to just simply stare at us from another table. Mike and I, English to the end started to make polite conversation. Now I'm good at accents but there was no way I could understand her and have you ever had one of those conversations here you start to fill in the words that you think she had said? I was okay with the horrifying tales of the cridders that bite yer in the summa. I started to say how bad Mike suffers, she looked as though as lightbulb had gone off in her head and shouts " I know just the thing everyone swears by it...Its Shhzzzzuurrgghh.....Mike and I look at each other and he is genuinely trying to keep it together. I as main talker didn't really know what to do, so I asked "Ooo how is that spelt?" to which she replies "with an S". Sometimes as try as hard as you might there are simply no words and so I pretended to concentrate on the place mat.
Food was brought, underwhelming comes to mind but hey beggers cant be choosers, it was also not helped by the fact that weird woman is now standing behind yet another table just watching us and the chef had come out to sit directly behind Mike!!!
EASTER: Undeterred by our last excusrion Mike and I proceed to DRIVE to Montreal. This is because the 50min flight that was billed as $124CAD is infact $478CAD after takes the train is $428CAD and takes 5 hours, car is 6, How is that for a rail network?? This time Mike takes the added precaution of finding out on google where we are going AND programmes the Sat Nav...Hurrah! so were sitting there in the car when I hear
M:Oh for GODS SAKE!
Me:Whattsamatter
M:I know the reason you could not find the park
Me: How is it all my fault? (I could sense impending doom)
M: Because Jane, when one is locating a GIGANTIC national park, one at least puts the town the park is located in, for example Algonquin town and not Oakville
Me: News to me, how am I supposed to know how it works?
M: And you wonder why everyone calls me long suffering
Me: No words, just one of my best grins, saved for such occasions as this!
After a 7 hour drive on Good Friday, we arrive at the hotel Mike has chosen. The reason I say MIKE is that he hates big hotels which is something we have to agree to disagree I mean whats not to love someone makes your bed, feeds you its all bliss. This hotel is a living museum literally I'm not joking here. To complete the scene when we finally convince them we are guests they unlock the front door (clearly not the most friendliest of museums) and welcome us into reception, we have obviously crossed over some magic threshold as they are very pleasant towards us. IN reception is a menagerie of Birds I hate f-ing caged birds and worse than anything on earth I hate Parrots!!!. ALL parrots gravitate towards me they can sense the hatred. There was one huge Blue thing who proceeded to make very strange noises and worst of all again was a African Grey that terrorises all receptionist's by mimicking the phone every time they try and leave the desk! Horrid thing!
All I can say about the hotel is that all the Antique furniture is new, but its not my kind of place. We go out in the evening to a dreadful 80's style Italian restaurant. I always order very simple things in places like this....Mike he orders Chicken Chasseur which when it comes is purple! We leave immediately and go to a Piano Bar ready to rip into the Martini's. Its very clear to us that apart from our road and the Notre Dame there is bugger all else to do so depression is setting in for our Michael. Therefore what better way to cheer oneself up than to have a Martini? No sooner than we are in there Mike leans over and says "we have to leave" okay I think and proceed to carry on with drink..."we have to leave NOW!" so I finish drink in two and off we go. The singer looked very upset as she clearly thought we didn't like her singing. No sooner as we were out of the door, at least I hope we were out of the door, Mike let off this huge fart and looked at me rather worryingly! I mean whats a girl to do, he's my husband and all that, but there are limits. As if that's not enough he grabs the nearest roadside waste bin and is sick as a pig. He is then very ill ALL of the rest of the night, it was exhausting but I guess that's what you get for eating purple chicken!
The next day Mike is right as rain, so we dodge the Parrots and go off to the museum which in Canadian terms is as old as the hills... for us, most of us know bits of the family tree this far back. we then go into the Cathedral which is outstandingly beautiful. This time I consult my brilliant and beloved travel guide and find us one of the best restaurants we've ever been to!You would never know it was there it was just a door in a wall!
So in short I am very sad to say - don't bother going to Montreal unless going onto somewhere else.
We are clearly not bothered about our rubbish navigational skills as we are off to Muskoka this weekend....will let you know the outcome :)
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